Thursday, March 30, 2006

My Rage of Yesterday

BAH! I feel that everything should reset after I have slept. So if I have the SHITTIEST day ever it should only last for that one day. Then when I go to sleep it should ooze out through my pores and when I wake up the world should be fresh and new again. But no, like the lingering odor of sports equipment my rage of yesterday is currently throbbing behind by right eye. And here I am with no advil.

The weekend cannot come quickly enough.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I'm Dooooooomed

I'm not shitting you. My other coworker just came in and set down a tupperware with a dozen freshly homemade chocolate cupcakes that his mom made.

I'm doomed.

Something Has To Give

How can someone as sweet and loveable as me be so loathed by an entire group of people? As I finished typing that sentence my coworker arrived and plopped down a box of donuts. Let's for a moment put aside the fact that I'm doing personal shit at work, I do get everything I need too done in a day...and usually some other people's work as well. I swear, I'm just terribly efficient. I'll get back to my original story in a later post but for now......

The Plight of the Fat Girl (Part 2 in a Neverending Series of Shame)
When People Bring Food To Work
Okay, so I'm about to go the fridge and get out my yogurt for my mid-morning snack. Healthy choices! But then, the box of donuts. First of all, it is impossible for me to say no. He brought them in to be nice. He feels bad that he never shows up for work on time. The donuts are his way of saying, hey thanks for putting up with that shit. To say no would be rejecting him and everything he stands for.
But do I really have to eat two donuts and a chocolate timbit? Probably not. As I'm chowing down on cakey goodness I think about how this counteracts every good thing I've done this week. But all of a sudden I'm required to eat to be social, to be friendly, to get along with people I see all the time. It's not just work either. I'm a fairly social person. Eating happens alot when I'm being sociable with people.
And, no, you cannot, in fact, order a salad when you're out. You're at a pub. You order nachos or pot stickers or something deep fried. There's a running joke about ordering the veggie platter (which is usually a pretty sad thing only made palatable by drenching everything in ranch dip and thereby nullifying all the good effects of the vegetables anyways). Not to mention that beer is just empty calories. And, no, you cannot, in fact, order a lite beer if you are under the age of 40. Plus, lite beer tastes like shit.
The real problem with the donut is that I am so easily derailed. There's no possible way I can make up for that. Do you know how many stairs I would have to climb to burn off those calories? It's impossible. And so, I give up.
Willpower is not something you have or don't have. It's a very difficult state of mind to attain, and it is not a steady state. There is so much working against you all the time. You just can't be in control of every aspect of your life...something has to give. Even though I intellectually understand that I do not want the donut, I know I will have another this afternoon.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Arwen Asleep In My Lap

Two posts in one day? I'm going waaay overboard. But seriously, what could be cuter than this, an Arwen asleep in my lap even when I'm not in the pants:

Well, perhaps this, an Arwen awokened by my relentless photo-taking of her cuteness. Look at her cute little face.

Isn't she a cutey-wutey? Oh yes she is, oh yes she is. Who's my cute kitty? I think it's....oh wait, this is a computer screen and not my cat at all....

ps. I swear I normally make the bed and fold my clothes!

Too Bad She Wasn't Pretty, Just Dumb.

You know what I hate? I mean, in addition to stupid people. Loud, stupid people. What is the deal with the girls who talk on the bus at top volume. I can put up with that shite from teenagers but from women my age? Ohmigod! And if you're going to be screaming at each other behind me for the whole bus ride why must you also be so very stupid?

"I mean, ohmigod, what's the point of having the train run until 1am if busses only run until midnight?"
"Ohmigod, I know...I totally know. It just doesn't make sense"
"And what's the deal with Stampede anyways? I mean, yah the trains run all night long but what's the point?"
"I Know! I mean, it's not like there's extra people riding the train during Stampede!"
"Yah, what's the big deal anyways, it's all just people who already live here who go! It's not like people come in from other towns all excited about the stupid Stampede." I mean, yes of course the Stampede is stupid and by rights all native Calgarians have free rein to hate those 10 long, looooong days.

So, when the girl was asking the bus driver where she should get off to get to the Renfrew Chrysler and he let her off at the wrong stop with bad directions....well, I believe I was whistling a little ditty to myself as I walked past the dealership. Anyone who thinks it's acceptable to show up for a job interview 10 mintues late doesn't really deserve my help anyways. Too bad she wasn't pretty, just dumb.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Doog-A-Thon: Two Days After

So here's the thing...for all you folks who continue to harass me about how dorky it is to have a Doog-A-Thon...Doogie Howser, MD was actually a fairly well-written show. I'm being serious. There were tons of episodes where Megan and I couldn't figure out what was going to happen next. How often does that happen in sitcoms nowadays? Oh, that's right...never.

Take for example the episdoe where Doogie takes his Dad's BMW, without permission, and totally gets away with it! No moral lesson at all. I learned that if I'm going to take my parent's car without permission I should have enough cash on hand to get it out of the impound lot and the courage to drive fast enough to get it back into the garage on time.

Doogie Howser is a prime example of the devolution of television. The chaff is so thick in the field that I'm not sure there's any wheat even growing any more. No wonder I have to constantly rant about how stupid people are look at what's being beamed into their brains night after night!

And furthermore, why can't shows like Doogie be replayed? It's cheaper for the networks. It's still relevant topics, I mean anything about tean angst will always be relevant right? I'm off to start my letter-writing campaign. I'll start right after this next episode...I swear...

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Doog-A-Thon: Season One Complete

what is there to say?

off to start Season Two...

Doog-A-Thon: The Morning After

Rested, refreshed and ready to Doog. At least 4 more hours to go today. Muffins and jam await to provide sustenance for Day 2 of the Doog-A-Thon.

Doog-A-Thon: Hour 8

It breaks down. We can't watch any more Doog. We have failed to reach my personal goal of watching an entire season of Doogie Howser, MD in one night. I somehow feel like I've let the Doog down. Will he doubt my commitment? Can he possibly understand? We just need some rest man, give us a solid 8 and we'll be back in the morning.

Muffins and Doog.

See you tomorrow!

Doog-A-Thon: Hour 6

I believe this picture tells the whole story. At hour 6 Megan begins to fall apart. Is it the lingering aroma of spinach dip? The mostly eaten pan of brownies? Or is it simply this...the site of Doog in an acid-wash jean jacket:

Hard to say really. What will come in the next few hours? What lessons does Doog have for us? Only time will tell.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Doog-A-Thon: Hour 3

After the first disk of Doogie Howser, MD Megan and I are holding up pretty well. We're still upbeat and energetic. Ultimately, to this point, we've been satisfied with our Dooging experience. It's even better than what we remembered as children.

I'd like to leave you with this thought. Doogie Howser is not just a doctor....he is also a boy, a boy with needs and feelings. A boy who just needs love and acceptance. We're here for you Doog.

I Don't Care. I Really Don't

Well, I was having a perfectly fine fact, it was just dandy. I've got a Doog-a-thon to look forward to, not overly busy at work, just ate a freshly baked poppyseed muffin...all in all, a dandy morning indeed.

As per usual a human has ruined it for me. Please tell me why it's my fault that someone else gave you bad information? Look here you smelly Why is this so hard to understand? Our phone number isn't on their posters/website/advertising. Don't even get me started on why the fuck you would want to see that pap in the first place...oh no, too late...

What is the fucking point? It's the same goddamn shows every year. There is nothing new or good or interesting about fucking Gilbert and Sullivan. They only do the goddamn shows in the first place because they're public domain. One man's cheapness!!! And they recycle the same shows every four years!! why, why, why...will someone please tell me why???

Why do people want to see bland, repetitive, dry theatre anyways? If you want crap I'm sure there's a Blockbuster Video located in your neighbourhood where you can rent The 40 Year Old Virgin for much cheaper than the price of a theatre ticket.

Oh yeah, and if some schmuck at some other phone number told you the wrong thing (or more likely you were too stupid to actually listen to the answers to the questions you posed), don't tell me about it! I don't care. I really don't.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

A Basic Level of Self-Awareness

I'm more irritable than usual lately. I know what you're thinking....and, yes, I am pretty much always irritable so it can be hard to detect when that level has increased. It usually comes and goes though. It's been sitting pretty steady at a fairly high level for days now. Of course there are the usual levels of incompetence surrounding me.

Which makes me question...why are people so stupid?? Seriously, how do these stupid, small, narrow-minded, little people lead their day-to-day lives? How are enormous roadblocks not thrown up in front of them all the time due simply to their own stupidness? And, furthermore, how do people who can barely see past the ends of their own noses claim to be capable of hearing differing opinions and evaluating them reasonably.

I mean, oh my god, how does so much of the human population lack even a basic level of self-awareness!?!?!?! How can you continue to exist in the world, how do you function in everyday life, how do you not get punched in the face daily when you are so self-absorbed???!!!

These, are just some of the question I have about the world I live in. Excuse me, I think I need to go work on my yawp.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

A CrackWhore Can Get Pregnant

Why is everyone I know suddenly pregnant? Wait, I'll have to come back to that one later.

This week was the One-Act Festival at work. Much overtime was accumulated and much sleep lost forever in the sands of time. Aside from a satisfied glow of a project well done and now complete I received personally wonderful accolades. After many dry years at the festival my theatre company finally managed to take home an award! Who's the Best Director? Oh, I think that's me!!

I'm apparently only allowed to have a swelled head until Monday so I thought I better log on fast while I still had the chance. A particularly satisfying year to take home that particular award as the adjudicator is a bigwig director here. I guess it takes genius to spot genius. :) Wow, even that might be too much swelled head for me!

In all seriousness, I always knew I was good but it's still nice to have some public reinforcement. Also got to accept the award in the prescence of sworn rivals (ha!) who went home empty-handed.

I mean, seriously, a crackwhore can get pregnant but give her a piece of theatre and let's see her try to direct.

Monday, March 06, 2006

The Grocery Store Episode

This one's for you Megs....

The Plight of the Fat Girl (Part 1 in a Neverending Series of Shame)
The Grocery Store Episode
Everyone does this in the grocery store right? Judging the food of the people in front of and behind you in line. So last Saturday I'm at the store with Mr. Rose stocking up for a movie night, the usual pound of ju-jubes, bag of chocolate things (in this case tasty, tasty skor bites), pretzels for him, chips for her (with herb & spice dip of course) and a case of Diet Pepsi. (Oh I know what you're thinking, just keep it to yourself poptart) Oh and I think we also had a bunch of bananas, got to keep it balanced right?
Anyways, we're in line and I look at the skinny little spin tart behind us who is purchasing two! 5lb bags of nasty frozen shrimpy things, a dozen apples and some All Bran bars. Boy howdy did I ever judge her skinny ass. But then I looked down at the conveyer belt filled with another weekend of shame and realized.....she too, might be judging me. But probably not, skinny people are too busy being skinny and beautiful and loved to be bother with judging us tubbies right? (ah if only)
But the thing is, she wasn't even particularly skinny or spin-tarty. She was just some regular-sized girl buying ingrediants for some Apple Bran Shrimp Bake or something. And she probably didn't even notice our ju-jubes or matching over-the-jeans bellies. She was probably just reaind the tabloid headlines and waiting for her turn to pay. Oblivious in her confidence in her regular-sized self. Bitch.