Sunday, June 17, 2007

Famous Couples in Literature Part 1

Famous Couples in Literature
Part 1 of however many I get around to writing

Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy (as realized by Colin Firth, of course)

I'm convinced that these two are actually the pinnacle of romantic couples. There is nothing that is not perfect about their relationship.

Firstly, as with any good love story, they must overcome obstacles. Now, admittedly, his obstacle is that he's a jerk. He would be difficult to like if he wasn't so deliciously handsome and British. Her obstacle is ultimately a failing of character as well. Why on earth does she believe what Wickham tells her about Mr. Darcy? She's inclined to believe him because he's all smiles and based on nothing else really, and that's just being stupid.

Secondly, they fall in love early but don't realize it, mistaking their passion for hatred. They think they hate each other but that's just the fire. You can tell that when they do get together it's going to be hot, hot, hot. And hotness is a big factor in the perfect couple. When all is said and done every other character will have a dull sex life. Most of the other couples don't really like each other and that's guaranteed bad sex, or like Jane they are gently in love and will have sweet, boring sex for the rest of their lives. Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennet are going to be mad, passionate, animals in bed. They will devour each other, the verbal foreplay itself would be a site to be seen. Seriously. Hot.

Thirdly, now that they've overcome some obstacles they can undergo a change. Ultimately Mr. Darcy's change is the pinnacle of sexy. We see him back on his home estate where he is actually, shock, relaxed. In this moment we realize he is the perfect dichotomous man. He is the stiff, formal, British gentleman....but he's also a caring, kind, open man. Here is a man you take out in public and who will be perfectly acceptable in polite company; then he will take you home, rip off your petticoats and have you in a hot scene by your estate's lake.

Fourthly, and sometimes the most difficult step. This is certainly where most modern romances fail. You are now required to pine for your love. You must have a moment of realization but before you can act on it another obstacle is thrown in your path. This is critical now...the obstacle cannot be something that will affect your love. You can't, for example, have the obstacle be that he buys your bookstore and bulldozes it to build a giant chain bookstore...that is an insurmountable obstacle and that guy is a jackass. No, your obstacle can be a ruined sister though. Why? Because Mr. Darcy has already come to terms with his faults. He underwent "the change" and so the obstacle becomes immaterial to him. His only concern now is to perform the grand gesture and wait for the love to come rolling in. But a key factor is that time must be allowed to pass here. Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are apart for several weeks after they discover their love, this allows us the time to yearn for their coming together. Very clever Jane Austen, very clever.

And finally, the love comes together. Ideally this should happen at the very last moment possible. Ideally we don't see any sex. It's nigh impossible to capture the perfect sex this perfect couple will be having and therefore we shouldn't even try. We do require a kiss of course and that has to be hot, hotter, hottest. We need to be left with the perfect couple riding away into the horizon leaving our brains working overtime to fill in the gaps of this perfect couples lives together.

Just to recap, we've got the 5 steps to forming the perfect couple:
1. Overcome Obstacles
2. Feel the Passion
3. Undergo a Change
4. Pine for your Love
5. Surrender to your Love

Of course there are many types of romance couples, I'm not sure how many but I'm sure it's less than 5. I feel like Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet really are the top of the heap but you may disagree.

Up lovers (yup, they'll end up dead fo' shoo')

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My Next Door Neighbour is Dead

My next door neighbour is dead. A few months ago the police showed up at my door at 9 in the morning. They pounded and pounded until I answered, very unnerving actually. Anyways, they asked me a whole bunch of questions about the last time I had seen my next door neighbour.

My next door neighbour is a little old stooped old lady who seems to wear the same polyester dress and grandma nylons every time I see her. Which is apporiximately 5 times. I have been living in the house for 3 years and I have seen my neighbour 5 times.

So when the police asked if I had seen her in the last week my answer was obviously no. But I pointed out to them that I probably hadn't seen in many months since she appears to live alone and never leave her house.

So I assumed she was dead in that house. I had to leave for work and didn't get to see if the police broke down the door. But since then there are always more lights on in the house. I figured that she had died and the house was empty and they had one of those automatic light switcher oner the house didn't look empty.

I've been waiting for this nasty grandma house to go on the market. I think the nasty grandma house is one of the best deals you can get. They're overcrowded, stuffy and smell like, well, grandmas.

So you can imagine my surprise when this weekend I look out the window behind my couch and what do I see but by dead next door neighbour. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking that obviously she's not dead as she's walking around the side of her house, talking to the grass cutting boy, and picking some tulips.

But the reason I looked out that window is because Tybalt (Prince of Cats) is giving out the most deep, menancing growl I have ever heard. This is a cat who spends 90% of his time pasted against any open window to watch the goings on of the outside world. He's the cat who looks at you longingly, wishing you would come up to that window to pet and play with him. He is the definition of a people-cat. He loves people.

But not this old lady. The entire time she was outside he was frozen in place growling and glaring at her.


Because as I mentioned before, my next door neighbour is dead.

And only the cat is smart enough to figure it out.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Customer is Usually Wrong

Where did this "the customer is always right" mentality even come from? Have you met most humans? They are stupid. Not just a little either, usually they're a whole bunch of stupid.

In a follow up question, when did it become appropriate to treat customer service staff like they were less than human beings? Yes, I will grant you that most people working in customer service are as stupid as the customers they serve. But really shouldn't we have a base level of decorum no matter how stupid the person across from you is.

Furthermore, there is an easy way to deal with poor customer service staff. Rather than yell, and bitch, moan and whine, berate and harangue...why don't you just talk to their manager. When you're in the store politely ask for the manager. If they are not there ask for their name and phone number and call them later. You can also stop patronizing that business. Seriously, there's 1001 coffee shops in Calgary. If you don't like your local Starbucks girl why not go the Second Cup 2 blocks down?

Aside from how to complain, as a customer you need to enter a store with these thoughts in mind:
1. I am not, in fact, royalty and don't deserve for any reason to be treated as such

huh. that one just about covers it actually. And don't forget that the customer is usually wrong, whether or not they want to admit to it. And do you know how you can know this to be the honest truth? Since when are people willing or even able to admit when they're wrong. Oh, that's right...never.