Friday, November 02, 2007

Top 5 List #4

Top 5 things to do with a Friday afternoon off:

5. Napping – right? Because who doesn’t love a little disco nap before heading out on the town on a Friday night. And then you have time to eat and shower and generally beautify without feeling rushed. So this one is really only good for people who go out on the town on a Friday night.

4. Chores – because everyone hates doing chores on the weekend. But a Friday afternoon off is like free time. Scrub that bathroom, do those dishes, mop that floor…and then be done for the weekend. Ah, satisfying…and yet, highly unlikely to actually occur in the real world.

3. Extra-Marital Affair – I mean, holy convenient Batman. Hubby’s at work, you’re not…what better opportunity to get a little on the side. Only problem, you don’t really get that many Friday afternoons off. How easy is it to find a 3-times a year afternoon lover?

2. Masturbating – because who has the time on a day to day basis? Not me certainly. But a Friday afternoon off allows you the freedom to really take your time with things, you know? Really slow things down and maybe get to know yourself a little better.

1. Drinking and/or Drugs – Because when you’ve got 4 hours to kill what could be better than kicking back with Dirty Dancing and few cold brewskis. Or your crack pipe. I mean, nothing else is going on right?

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Top 5 List #3

So it looks like we're going to have to make a new agreement. I think that we'll have to agree that I never promised to post 5 lists this week. Let's all agree that what I obviously meant was I was going to post 3 - 5 Top 5 Lists this week. Can we all agree on that? Good.

Top 5 things you can say to a coworker to ensure their dislike of you:

5. “I see you’re working that homeless chic look today”
4. “Don’t you think that sweater is a little young for you?”
3. “You got assigned to Project X? You? Really? Huh”
2. “Does it bother you that the rest of us are just so, so much younger than you?”
1. “Personally I think it’s really brave of you to wear a tube top, saggy polyester skirt and gum boots to work. Most people would find that outfit inappropriate outside of their home, with the blinds drawn, and literally not even one possible chance that another human being would ever possibly see then in that outfit. I mean you basically look like a fat, cheap prostitute with bad hair and suspicious body odor. I actually have to look away every time you walk past my desk because when I do accidentally look at you I throw up in my mouth a little. No seriously, you actually physically make me gag, that’s how revolting you look….actual gagging is happening over here. But like I said, it’s very brave of you.”