Sunday, June 07, 2009

My summer horoscope

I signed up for a free subscription to Elle Canada with a coupon in a box of Cheerios. It is truly an astoundingly bad magazine with some of the worst writing I have ever seen in a magazine. But today, I would like to do a critique of the special summer horoscope.

I hate horoscopes with a fierce and blinding passion. This particular horoscope nearly sent me into a frenzy last night.

Some years are memorable: consider 1989/1990, 1996/1997 and 2003/2004. These have meaning for you.

Who can't find something memorable in a six year time span?? I was 11/12, 18/19 and 25/26 in that date range. I can pick out several memorable things that happened in those years. But who couldn't?!?!? Memorable things probably happen every year for people, if you stop to think about it.

Similarly, 2009/2010 is another turning point. This year wields a double-edged sword: in one way, it's fabulous! Love affairs, romance and opportunities for exciting vacations, plus playful, rewarding times with children, are sources of joy. Your social scene is wired! Parties, fun invitations and events in the arts or sports are a bonus and will continue into 2010. (yay me!)

What? My life is fabulous and awesome and I'm popular and do lots of things?! Well, this must be the truth! Let's look past the bad grammar and just say, again with the really long time frame? I mean, who doesn't get invited to at least one social event in the span of a calendar year? Who doesn't have the opportunity for vacations? We're talking about people with the financial wherewithal to purchase a magazine and isn't an opportunity just something that might happen?

However, since 2007 you've had to give up people, places and possessions; it has been a sobering experience. Some important relationships have ended; some losses were major and painful. For some of you, it has been a journey through the dark night of the soul.

I have made sacrifices this year! And yes, in a two year period, inevitably some thing has changed. How ever did they know that my life is not exactly what it was like over two years ago?

By the end of October you will slowly enter a huge new era of your life. November and December are the debut to what lies ahead between now and 2018.

Wait a second. What exactly do you mean by slowly? And what exactly do you mean by debut? And, well, it just seems obvious that something lies between now and 2018. I mean, that's a 9 year time span.

In this stretch of time, you will redefine your values, your relationships, probably your job and even where you live. It's all up for grabs.

It's all up for grabs, eh? So I might do those things, but I might decide not to grab. Aren't we always refining our values as new information becomes available and we have new experiences? Don't relationships evolve over time? Don't people change their jobs every 5 years nowadays??? Hold on a second! This horoscope is maddeningly vague!!!

It's time for the birth of the new - and improved - you.

Oh, but I do want to be a better person and do more fabulous things. I'm so sorry I doubted you horoscope. You're right. In 9 short years, I will be a better person, just you wait and see!

Mantra: I will never again be as young as I am today

uh, yeah. Thanks Elle Canada. Thanks for that glib piece of advice. Fortunately, for us all, I doubt that you'll be around 9 years from now to see if I have indeed succeeded in becoming a new - and improved - me.

No comments: