Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Pantyhose are from the Devil

The real reason that I could never be a 50's housewife (like, actually in the 50's) is pantyhose. I freaking hate pantyhose. But I hate my bare, chubby, glowingly white legs more. So on the rare occasion that wrangle myself into the ONE dress that I own, I also pull out my ONE pair of pantyhose.

Monday night was the annual theatre awards show that I attend with members of the theatre board that I sit on. I found myself with a serious lack of dressy pants and decided that since it had been two years I could wear said ONE dress again without anyone noticing. One person noticed. Drat! I even accessorized in turquoise instead of red!

Anyways, if all the fashionistas out there are done cringing (done ladies?) I will now regale you with my tale of pantyhose horrors.

sidebar: I actually own two dresses. But one looks so hideous on me I don't know why I keep it. And I guess my wedding dress counts. So three dresses. And a number of long skirts not appropriate for a formal event (but can be worn with knee high hose, which I hate slightly less than a full hose).

Being a petite plus sized girl comes with a variety of challenges. Basically, nothing fits. Pantyhose are no exception. They are either so big that I have to roll them up into my armpits or not wide enough to accommodate my generous behind and thus fall prey to the worst of hose horrors, slippage.

I had to climb what felt like an unusually large number of stairs which then required no less than 5 seperate bathroom trips to attempt to correct my wayward hose. To no effect. Basically every time I took a step my hose started the move towards my knees.

Maybe I shouldn't have shaved my legs. That way the hose would have had something to grip to.

Let's just say that by the end of the night I was wearing a crotchless pair of hose with no less than 3 runs. I pulled those babies off the second we hit the parking garage, security cameras be damned.

The worst part of this tragedy? Another awards show this coming Saturday. Methinks I need to make a trip to the dressy pants department of the local mall.


DaniBP said...

What a terrible time you had. It sounds just hideously uncomfortable! oh my gosh.
If there was ever an excuse to go shoppin', this is it. Crack out your card, get to the mall and buy a fabulous new black pants suit.
Then you'll never have to wear those dreaded hose again!

Meg said...

Someone commented on the dress? WTF! It's a black dress! A hot black dress! It's not like you wear it every day and things are starting to get a bit threadbare.

How rude.

(Good call on the turqouise!)